drops and drops of
day turns to night
time brings you down
do i wish it to stop, to go on
i miss my laughter, miss my smile
where has it gone
time breaks your heart
tearing you apart
knowing you do not,
clearly belong anywhere.
time blows you up
all the way to your head
and that’s when
they’re there
but they’re just not there
that’s exactly the time
when all you can do
is just to wait for these
drops and drops trickling down
and that’s the only comfort i deserve
losing hope
Abide With Me
Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.
Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.
Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.
I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
I am weak, I am not in control, Lord please take control, please don’t leave my side. As I kept lying to you, kept breaking your heart, kept doing things not pleasing you and worse act as if You do not exist.
Have mercy on me.
Memory of an SMS
May God grant you…
eyes that focus on Him alone
heart that loves Him above everything else
strength to fight worldly desires
faith to trust and obey
When I started seriously walking with God, a friend sent me an SMS with the content above. I held those words close in my heart, in my head, in everything that I do.
Now I pray that I may keep it close to me, again. God help me.
Bruised and crawling back,
Pat
Great Thoughts of Sin VS Great Thoughts of Christ
“Great thoughts of your sin alone will drive you to despair, but great thoughts of Christ will pilot you into the haven of peace” C.H. Spurgeon
Christian spirituality is not a game. When it’s a game, it involves self-righteousness. It involves self-satisfaction of the current situation because something, somewhere, at some point of time has been achieved.
Why must God’s providence always mean comfort for me?
Today’s sermon by Ev. Maria Mazo really woke me up of my ignorance and… lack of understanding of the words of God. She reflected about Joseph, when he was made slave to Egypt by his own brothers who detested him. Was God with Joseph? Was God’s providence on him?
If I were him, I will TOTALLY say NO. 13 years between the day he was sold as slave to Egypt to the day he was called to Pharaoh and uplifted. 13 years of being accused of things he had never done, 13 years as slave and prisoners. I would just keep asking God, “WHERE?” or maybe I’ll leave Him altogether.
But the fact is God’s providence for Joseph was there, when he was not killed by his brother but instead made slave, when he gained Potifar’s favor, when he was in jail for wrong accusation from Potifar’s wife and the head of the prison entrusted him with many things, including interpreting Pharaoh’s dreams.
I spoiled myself too much. I need to grow up. I need to see God’s works in me, than to focus on that little bit of uncomfort I am facing day by day. How ungrateful, how unworthy.
I need to turn my eyes to Jesus. If not I might as well don’t live… because I have no other hope than the cross, the covenant that He has made with us.
Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
That calls me from a world of care,
And bids me at my Father’s throne
Make all my wants and wishes known.
In seasons of distress and grief,
My soul has often found relief
And oft escaped the tempter’s snare
By thy return, sweet hour of prayer!
I want.. but I can’t..
How many things are necessary for thee to know, that thou, enjoying this comfort, mayest live and die happily?
Three; the first, how great my sins and miseries are; the second, how I may be delivered from all my sins and miseries; the third, how I shall express my gratitude to God for such deliverance.
Knowing my sins, knowing Christ who had overcome sin and being grateful.
I went to the youth fellowship in my church this evening. I didn’t really go there because I see the need of fellowship, not because I want to be refreshed with God’s word, not because I actually want to face God (at least that’s what I think). My main reason is so that I can accompany a friend who I invited to the fellowship last week. I think that’s all.
I went there, weak spiritually as I have been for one whole week. I couldn’t really focus on the sharing from our evangelist. I couldn’t bring myself to praise and honour Him.
How a little sin can wreck my whole week and ruin my commitments to Him that I just made not very long time ago… to stay close to Him… but instead I kept hurting Him, I sinned even more to hurt Him because of my disappointment on His creation… that little sin, that I know WELL will ruin my spirituality, yet I let it stay in me.
Little sin, did I say little sin?
I don’t know. There’s just this time when I decided to do one thing to prioritize God. To stop being a stumbling block for this someone to look for God. To stop being there for someone so that in his deep misery, he doesn’t find comfort in me but instead in God.
And I’m not that strong either, I’m still struggling with putting God among everyone else. I was just sad and needed to share this to someone. And I did talk to a friend about it. But… I didn’t get a word of anything at all in response and well it’s actually not the first time. And my “little” sin came next. Lethally little sin.
I was disappointed at that friend as always but I was disappointed at God even more. Why must He do that to me, even after I have done something… to put Him above anything else. Why ???
I cried, and I couldn’t accept what just happened. Maybe this shouldn’t even be considered as a problem, it’s too slight but it mattered to me SO MUCH at that time. And I failed yet again in my spirituality “come-back”.
I couldn’t forgive that friend. And I stopped going to school because I hated that person so much. When even my primary responsibility was abandoned, my whole week was a total screw up. O God. I am too childish, too childish to even love others and not to mention to love You.
And here I am, week after week, coming to You, trying to renew my commitments again, knowing that I will fail soon after I made those commitments.
But I have no other choice. Your grace kept upholding me. So help me, God.
O love that wilt not let me go
O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
I am Pat, and I am a sinner.
Most of the times I’m still struggling with occasional sins in my life, many times my laziness, or yearning for more comfort, have hindered me from obeying God.
I am struggling not only in my actions but also my thoughts, my emotions.
I have my own standards of what it meant to be a Christian. But, no, it is not God’s standard.
I am a self-destructive, extremist person. I have very negative thoughts about my friends, even those in my own fellowship, even my very best friend. And a lot of times, I just want to run away from them. Hating them for not being there when I need people the most.
To make it worse, I loved someone too much that maybe it hinders my love for God, or maybe they are not even comparable, maybe I loved that man too much. Or maybe I loved myself too much to see myself being hurt.
When I have to suffer a little bit, a little bit from broken heart, a little bit from the feelings of loneliness, I blamed God for making my world crumble down. I can’t take even a little pain. and I think God kept pushing me to the sharp edges, hurting every single thing that I once was proud of, every single thing that I put above Him.
I have done many bad things in life, that if I were God, I would not even forgive myself.
But I am not God.
He will not let me go. No matter how hard I try to leave Him, to abandon Him, to neglect Him all together.
He let me through all those pains, all those loneliness, so that I can find Him, the true Joy.
I don’t want to lose vision of Him. I want to keep close to Him. I need Him.
