Sincere thoughts from a weak sinner

I just attended a mission conference in San Francisco and I learnt one thing which really struck me deeply. It may not be something new, even to me, but the meaning of those things sinked down really profoundly on that day. Thus, after e-mailing this thoughts to a friend, I thought of posting this on this blog because no matter who read it, or even if no one reads this, it will act as a reminder for me in my course of life as God’s worker in this fallen world.

I had served for 2 years in a Christian Fellowship in my university in Singapore. I also had served the Lord through music in church. I reflected the lesson that struck me that day to all the ministries that I have been involved in, especially for that one period where I was in charge of fellowship camp. I pondered again why after the 2 year span of serving God, I ended up being very stressed out, I ended up disappointed at God, I ended leaving Christianity and stopped going to church (for some time).

I used to serve so passionately, so enthusiastically that sometimes I wondered why others didn’t have as much fire as I had. Not to mention that God graced me with certain organizational skills. What went wrong?

Firstly, about the camp. It’s an important event for our fellowship although it’s only an annual 3-day thing. I saw lives being changed through the camp in my two years in this fellowship. Christians who were lukewarm, started to be more serious in upholding their Christian values in their lives and ministries. I saw how the transformation of mind, transformed the whole person, and affecting the fellowship in the positive light, motivating even more members to live close to God, to strive to be like Christ. No matter how terrible our planning is, how much trouble happened during the camp, God somehow, somewhat, mysteriously worked in those people that earnestly seek Him, working through the committee’s imperfect work to make our members, mere fallen and weak sinners, to be more perfect each day. Camp is indeed an important Kairos.

Therefore, I thought back in time again about how every year the new committee will all come together, sit down and think brainstorm the weaknesses in our fellowship in order to come out with a theme for the camp. Usually, the IC of the camp will send some points to ponder regarding the condition of the fellowship and our impact on the surrounding. I’m guessing probably there will be some of us who only started reflecting on the fellowship when they saw the emails, or even worse only started thinking when the meeting for discussion started and my wild guess is people will end up talking for the sake of being able to voice their “opinions” (eventhough some of the opinions were pretty convincing). I myself had been in those situations, honestly.

The situation in which I haven’t been is one in which my heart is truly crushed when I see the weaknesses in our fellowship, crushed looking at myself, at my own brothers and sisters not glorifying God in our lives, crushed because whatever not pleasing in God’s eyes, do not please my heart too. Most of all, to have a heart that is crushed looking at the hardened hearts of my brothers and sisters in Christ and myself for being terribly ignorant instead of being crushed, broken and weep over the lives of people around us whose path will obviously lead to their perishings. Without such crushed hearts that love God more than anything and love those who God loved, I believe there will be no true revival.

So what went wrong? I thought over and over again, am I that comfortable with my activities? Comfortable with the annual camp, the meetings, the people voicing their opinions, theme set through majority votes and every year going through the same procedure without further thinking without really going to God, getting down on our knees to pray and cry over our sins, asking for hearts that yearn to obey Him, to yearn to synchronize to God’s heart, even if it’s a small part of it.  Being too comfortable with spiritual activities, activities which built more and more the wall of self righteousness, the wall which kept me feeling holy.

It’s time that we take a step back, and think of why we’re doing all this. Why need a camp? Why are we serving Him? Why are we doing whatever we are doing?. What is truly our vision in our camp? in our ministry? Is it because the activities are done under the name of our Christian Fellowship then whatever motivations for activities are guaranteed to be for the Glory of God?

Do we really know what He wants us to do in this fellowship, in this world, in our life? Do we really see a “vision” from Him, to see the needs of the people here in our fellowship and outside it? Are we really burdened, are our hearts really moved not because that’s God’s orders so we JUST have to do it BUT because we understand even the smal part of God’s heart, and from the understanding, it burdened us, it became our burdens when we actually see the needs of people around us and that bring us to kneel down even more in His presence, praying constantly for our vision and at the same time follow it up with our faithful actions.

Again, on the topic of our camp fellowship, I quote Mother Theresa who once said ” I’m not called to be successful, I’m called to be faithful” when asked about the successfulness of her ministry to the poor. The worry about success of the camp will definitely be there, just like all other secular events in which all those must be planned fabulously BUT our fear for God should far overwhelm that worry. Fear that we are not faithful to Him, fear that whatever we do will not be blessed by Him. Then, we should really take time to reflect and pray that He will grant us such heart,  a heart which is crushed when we see sin, weep over sins because in our heart, there is a small bit of God’s heart which is the love of God to His people and His passion for His own glory.

I pray that whoever fell into the same trap of ministries, activities, and soon disappointment, will together with me, learn to accept the reality in life, the fallen reality of this world and kept striving not for our success, but strive to be faithful to what we are called for. God is a God who always keeps to His promises. When I first became a Christian, I read this verse about nothing will separate me from the love of God, separate me from God. Though I ran away from Him, He drew me back, His grace pulled me back, His Holy Spirit refreshes me again, His Words transformed my mind, over and over again, and the Cross gave life back to me. I believe that whoever is now in the same situation has the same promise from God, and I pray that soon they will find God and the joy of serving God in their lives again. Cos God promises to lead us from Grace to Grace, from Strength to Strength, from Faith to Faith.

Just another  weak, weak sinner strengthen by the loving grace of His blood on the Cross,
Pat

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