As I look back to past few months, or even years, one of the most disappointing (also most apparent to others) weakness that plagued my Christian life is the lack of endurance. I’ve always been despairing over the fact that even small little failures or sins can draw me back so much, that I would’ve completely gone on an emotional roller-coaster journey to deep depression, almost losing faith in the Cross that had paid for all those sins, questioning my identity as a believer, self-pitying myself into pseudo unworthiness feeling when all that there is, is pride.
On the other hand, there is the Cross of Christ, there is the blood shed for my sins, the Father God in His loving kindness, gave His only begotten us to die for an ingrate like me. It was such a mind-boggling act, almost unfathomable, what kind of love it is, that it can be as wide yet as deep and far , the love which is the Love of God. A righteous Son of God who knows no sin but made to be sin, to redeem sinners like me. A glorious, all mighty Son of God, the King who came to earth, in the most despicable place ever imagined: a place only fit for animals, and who was despised, sold by His own disciple, flogged, humiliated, insulted and laughed at and finally, in all obedience to the Father, die upon that Cross on Calvary. That, I thought, is just too much for me.
There’s nothing ever, that I could say or do to ever deserve such Love. Even the thought that such Love, even if given freely, may not fall upon me, since my sins are so great. Why, you ask? Because that sinful me, keeps thinking herself righteous even in the midst of her sins. Isn’t that a more unbelievably greater sin? To justify self by claiming knowledge about God and His Sacrifice, and with days, that knowledge puffs up, as it is not built upon the true sincerity in knowing God, knowing Christ by the guidance of the Spirit. But seeking of knowledge of God, to fulfill others which are apparently more precious to me: Pride, needing to have something outside Christ that defines my value as a human being.Then, Fear of man, fear of their rejection, fear of their abandonment, fear of being lonely, fear of humiliation from men. And lastly, love of the world, loving the security that the foolishness of the world temporarily offer, financial security, husband-wife security, materialism and all its promises of excitements and happiness, the quick cure of boredom and the desires to be made most important being in the whole universe.
How wicked are my thoughts! But yet at the same time, those thoughts just gave me more and more emptiness and immense feeling of meaningless by days, restless heart and unstable emotions. I’ve always had no choice but to run back to God and plead for His forgiveness and for future enjoyment in relationship with Him. But sadly, any promise of faithfulness in Him, would just be like chaff blown away by the wind. Till I come to a conclusion again that there is nothing good in me that I can ever offer to Him. How can such a wretched and wicked sinner ever commit to love Him and be faithful to His Words and obey them? Then it seemed like I would have no choice but give up all together, for even if I come to Him for forgiveness, I would disappoint Him again and again and again. I could not even appreciate His love for me, let alone love Him and love others by the Love He has shown me. Everything seemed too impossible.
How I wish I could end this post on a happier note. I could not, if I were to be realistic. I saw this kind of struggle as a lifelong struggle. But I only had one way to go, which is to still be hopeful. For as much as my sinful self always go against my commitment of faithfulness and obedience to Him, He had in His sovereignty chosen me before the world even began. He had in His mercy forgives all my wickedness and counted me righteous in Him. He had even in His patience bore my sins and my erratic behaviour. And lastly, He has and will be faithful to His promises for He would never lie (He Himself is the Truth), He would perfect my faith and fulfill all His promises.
I am trying to walk this journey, not as a thinker, but as an enjoyer of God’s glory, richness, pleasures and goodness. As I continue to explore further, not just the dictionary,factual meanings Cross of Christ, the Glory of God and what it meant for the world to be crucified to me and I to the world, and how I was already crucified with Him. And not only to know, but to respond not in cold-heartedness but full of affections to those truths. And not to forget, the reason for which I should love others, not out of worldly charity and sympathy, but out of fulfilling the will of God, which should be the most precious treasure I can ever attain, and enjoy.
Finally, I would like to quote some of the important points I got from reading the book Roots of Endurance by John Piper. It is a biographical book about three persons: John Newton, Charles Simeon and William Wilberforce. Surprisingly the one I didn’t know: Simeon, was the biographical part which helped me the most. Here are the excerpts:
He grew downward in the pain of contrition, and he grew upward in the joy of adoration. And the weaving together of these two experiences into one is the achievement of the cross of Christ and the root of Simeon’s great endurance. He loved to contemplate the cross of Christ not only because it signified “salvation through a crucified Redeemer,” but also because by this cross he had died to the pleasures, riches, and honors of this world. Man’s admiration could not lure him; man’s condemnation could not lame him. He was dead to all that now, because “by [the cross] the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world” ( Galatians 6:14 ). The cross was the place of his greatest humiliation and the place of his greatest adoration. It was death-dealing and life-giving. Therefore Simeon said that he, like Paul, “would ‘know nothing else’ ( 1 Corinthians 2:2 ) and ‘glory in nothing else’ ( Galatians 6:14 ).” [73] Christ was crucified for him. He was crucified with Christ. This was the key to life and endurance. This was “the power of God and the wisdom of God” ( 1 Corinthians 1:24 ).
Here is the root of Simeon’s endurance: the cross of Christ giving rise to a “shuddering delight”–shuddering at his own remaining corruption that may betray his soul by fear of man and the love of the world; delight that rises higher than all that man can take or give, and therefore triumphs over all threats and allurements. Christ is all. “Let all your joys flow from the contemplation of his cross.”
- John Piper in Roots of Endurance, on Charles Simeon.
